There are some real upsides to adoption too. It doesn't always feel like it, but getting through the home study and learning all the new things that we have learned, have not only allowed us to come to terms with some things, but also to actively embrace them.
The thing is, for adopters like us - people who have come to adoption through infertility - there is a lot of grieving to overcome before you can properly move on. That may sound a little over-dramatic, but it's true.
First of all you have to learn to grieve for the life that you'll never have - and like other forms of grief you go through stages with it. For a long time I felt incredibly angry that this choice has been taken away from me. It just didn't seem fair! But you have to work your way through it, because without accepting your infertility, you're never going to be able to progress.
It's really not easy being infertile. It's a long and lonely road. And the choices and the lifestyle that many people take forgranted, is simply never going to feature for you. And because it is the "norm" for people to have families, then the question is always one of the first you are asked when meeting anyone new - "Do you have any children?"
Ten years ago that question was easier to answer, but having been through the mill with trying to become a family, that question is now loaded and extremely potent. So is the answer - "No, I don't have children"
Ten years ago, that was just words. Now, it is a statement slashed across my heart, like a pick through ice.
I digress, however, as always.
Adoption cures some of these problems. The family life that we want - we can still have. We will still get to do all of those things that we've always wanted to - see our child in school plays, go on family holidays, read bedtime stories to Mozza, pass on learning and knowledge... we still get to do all of that, thanks to our adoption story - but there are some things that we will never have!..
Grieving for our unborn child was hard for me and the Lam, because we struggled to believe that we were a statistic. Even after all the prodding and poking, blood tests, sperm counts, invasive procedures, x-rays and appointments proved that we were just not going to conceive, we still didn't really believe it. And when you still cling onto hope like that, well you're never going to get past it. But we did grieve - we did come to an acceptance. And after all the crap that we went through with the emotional, clinical and difficult IVF journey we went on, we did finally accept that we were never going to have a baby. So we had to grieve.
But when we grieved, we had to grieve specifics - we had to force ourselves to talk and think about things that were really difficult for us. Those conversations were so hard - talking about how we were never going to leave a legacy - that there wouldn't be a family tree beyond us. That the family line ends here - ends with us. Then talking about more emotive parts - that we will never know what our baby could look like. That we will never know if he/she would be blonde like me, or dark like The Lam. We will never know what parts of our genetic coding could be bestowed on a little person that we made together.
Those conversations were sad.
Then there's a different kind of grief - for me, really. A sadness that I won't ever experience being pregnant, or giving birth. Feeling a life grow inside me. Will never have the stories that my Mum told me about her cravings and silly pregnancy nuances. I will never have that, and it's just not fair. And even now, even after all this time, it's still quite hard to hear about other people having babies. Even though I can be happy for them - it's still tinged with an aching sadness for me and the Lam. It is very difficult for me to be around pregnant women - because even though I know and have accepted my fate, I will never really be OK with it.
Then there are other things that we have had to learn to be accepting of. When Mozza comes, Mozza will come with a name. We will never get to name our baby. That was really tough for me. Like most little girls, I had the names. sex and quantity of my children all mapped out. That the names changed on a monthly basis was irrelevant. As a child, it was just the way - one day I would be a mum, and inherent to that process was that I would get to name my baby.
And now I can't - and I still find that really hard. What if I hate the name? I might! There are names that I hate. It's just another stumbling block, but it is one that will always be there.
Another issue is the babyness. We came to terms a long time ago with the fact that we are never going to have a tiny baby - but I ache for this. I want to hold a newborn in my arms. I want all of the firsts - the first feed, the first sleep, the first cry, the first everything - and these firsts aren't going to be with us. Of course, Mozza will have lots of firsts with us - we know that - but there are some moments that we'll never have and can never get back. We probably won't even get first Christmas or first birthday. And for sure we won't get first smile. Or first Mummy or first Daddy. Another process we worked through.
But then - the epiphany. Working through all of the above was tough - and we felt very sorry for ourselves on more than one occasion. But then we came through it - we reached the point where all of the above actually stopped mattering quite as much.
To start with, adoption was about fulfilling our needs as parents - but then we realised that adoption is about fulfilling the needs of our child BY becoming their parents. It's not about us - it's about Mozza. And the day we realised that, was the day that we realised we were ready to be parents.
The fact is, everything that we've worked through is true and miserable and hard. No, we won't have what we always thought we would - we won't have a child that is our physical hybrid (!) and we won't have any memories of Mozza's first few months, and we do miss out on all of those things that I've whined about.
But we DO get Mozza. We DO get our baby, and our family.
And more than that, we get to make a difference. We get to take this child, this beautiful, innocent child, and we get to build a whole family together. We get to be Mozza's Mummy and Daddy and we get the joy that Mozza coming into our lives will bring. We get the elation of meeting Mozza for the first time. We get the amazement of engineering a bonding process. We get the thrill of Mozza's Adoption Day in court - and we get to tell our baby one day, when they're a little bit bigger, that we picked them. Out of all the babies in the world, we get to choose Mozza.
Because when you're matched in the adoption process, you are selected out of a huge bunch of people as the best possible parents. And then you get to look at this little baby's portfolio and say "Yes - that's Mozza"
The saying "You can choose your friends but not your family" doesn't apply. We choose Mozza. And we will know when Mozza has arrived, because even though Mozza's journey to us is on a different road to most other babies, we will know for sure that Mozza is ours.
So, it's true - we miss out on alot. But we gain far more than we lose. We get to make a difference to a child who needs us, and Mozza gets to fulfil a lifelong dream for us. We both get to fill a void - how many people can really say that?
We know how lucky we are.
Saturday 21 November 2009
Friday 13 November 2009
The Dark Side of Adoption
...or probably the dark sides of adoption (plural), for it seems they are many!
During this time of waiting, the Lam and I have many moments in which to think things through. Then rethink them, then think some more, then read about them, then talk about them, and then change our minds completely, and then end up somewhere in the middle of extremes of opinion. And still with no resolve, with no earthly idea when Mozza is going to show up - or how old he/she will be when he/she does.
Dark side 1) The Wait.
A friend said to me that it's just like being pregnant. Erm... no it isn't. One of the key differences is that when pregnant - you pretty much know when baby is gonna arrive - ok baby could come early-ish or late-ish, but we're talking a few days or a couple of weeks at most. With adoption - we could still be waiting here in 3 years time. Or we could get a phone call next week. So the dark side here is putting your life on hold. That might not sound like much of a problem - but it is. We can't plan holidays or trips away. It's difficult to commit to anything at work that might be impacted. We have no idea if next Christmas we'll have Mozza, or if it'll be another child-free zone. And believe me - that gets very weary! We've been waiting for Mozza on Adoption Street for 2 years now. Before that we were on IVF Road for 4 years, but Mozza didn't come, so we moved. Before IVF Road we were on Trying Naturally Avenue, but that has always been fruitless. We've been waiting for Mozza for 9 years now - that's not like any pregnancy I know!!
Dark side 2) Finances.
Ok, so most people - if not all - who plan for a family struggle with finances. We're fully aware of that. But we've had to do a financial plan. Current income/expenditure. Proposed income/expenditure. Adoption leave income/expenditure. If it doesn't add up - we ain't getting matched. We have to update social services constantly on any changes to our finances, and send them proof of any major purchases. Like, for example, we bought a new bed. We were asked whether or not we needed one, as that money could have gone into the adoption fund. We suggested we might go on holiday for a few days at Christmas - they can't demand we don't, but they did tell us that it wouldn't be looked at favourably. We've been told to keep our spends low and our savings high, and have to prove we are doing this on a monthly basis by sending our bank statements to social services every single month - for the last year, and on a continuing basis. And if we buy anything on credit, you might as well just take us out at dawn and shoot us. Not a major problem, but very very annoying!
Dark side 3) Health and Safety and Home Environment
OK, so the house needs to be ready when you have a baby - right? Right. Most people would want to do this - we have to. And we have to comply with certain standards before we can even be considered for adoption. Most of this is common sense, and there is no problem behind the reasoning of it - but we have been forced to do it within social services timescale, and that's the really testing part! So far, this is what we've had to do:
Completely redecorate the house. We planned to do this anyway, but because we stupidly told social services, we were told we had to finish it before approval panel - so we spent 4 months ripping off wallpaper, plastering, painting, new carpets etc. Smoke alarms in every room.
Fire extinguishers, fire blankets, changed all the window locks, three new first aid kits, locks on all cupboards and doors, cooker guard, 5 baby gates, new shed, new garden fence, completion of dog training, completely replace the bannisters on the stairs, new lights, lock on the cellar, new front gate, new floor. This is all before approval - way, way before our baby is even a twinkle in social services eye. how annoying!
Dark side 4) What to buy
One of the lovely things about knowing you're going to have a baby, is preparing for the baby. Nesting, decorating, buying little baby clothes, stocking up on nappies, getting the nursery ready. Not only is it lovely, but it's necessary - you need to be ready, and you can't go out and buy all this stuff in one go once baby has arrived.
We have to, though.
Until we go to matching panel, there's no way of knowing what to buy. We can't buy clothes - our age range is 0-2 - we could get a 4 month old or a 24 month old. We can't buy nappies for the same reason. We can't buy a pushchair, a highchair, a car seat, a cot or a bed, toys, bibs, sterilisers.... you name it, we can't buy it. And that's very hard and very sad. We want to get ready for Mozza - we want Mozza's room to look like a nursery - but we can't. We can't even decorate really, because Mozza may well come with trauma which could be triggered by colour. Mozza might want bedsheets like the ones he/she had in foster care because they're familiar. The only things we can really buy are babywipes (and hope to hell Mozza's not allergic) and books. Older books, though, just in case, and wait for Mozza to grow into them. All of which means, of course, that once we're matched we have to go and get everything all at once. Everything! And between matching and intros - it could be as short as one day! Financially that's going to be tough, and physically it's going to be tough - but emotionally it's tough now. We WANT to buy things for Mozza - we're desperate to plan for this littly - and we just can't.
Dark side 5) Trauma
Now we're getting properly dark. All adopted children suffer trauma. This is fact. No matter what their history, by the time they reach their forever Mummy and Daddy (us) they will have experienced at least two circumstances of loss - the removal from their birth family, and their removal from their foster carer. That's the best case scenario. They could have so many paniful, hurtful, terrifying memories from their past, that it will take a lifetime to make them feel safe. At best we're going to have to deal with the fact that we're not the birth family and explain why Mozza couldn't stay there. Other issues could include Mozza not being able to make attachments, not developing properly - motor skills being so damaged by never being held or made safe, that Mozza still might not be able to use a cup properly by the time he/she is a teenager. Developmentally, the probability is that Mozza will be behind his/her peers, and is more likely to suffer anxiety, stress and re-attachment disorder. If there is a more dark side to Mozza's past in terms of real abuse or neglect, then those problems could manifest in countless ways - hitting, biting, bullying, not eating, not washing, fear, not bonding, night terrors...the ways in which adopted children cope with their histories is manifold and heart-breaking. And we don't know how it's going to go. We don't know yet what Mozza will have suffered, and we don't know yet how we're going to start mending it. People say to us "Mozza will be safe and loved with you, and that's enough" - but it's not enough, and we have far more uncertainty in front of us than if we could just conceive Mozza ourselves. The challenges are almost unbearable, and the unknown is scarier still.
Dark side 6) Well-Meaning People
This dark side is not intended to offend. I know that everybody who talks to us about the adoption is well-meaning and interested, and for that we love you. But some of the things that some people say can be bloomin hard to deal with
a) You can have one of mine if you want.
Oh thanks. Flippancy is what I need right now
b) People who have their own kids don't have to be vetted like you
No - but if they did, then perhaps there wouldn't be any children up for adoption!
c) Why is it taking so long?
Because social services have to make sure that the people they entrust this child to, aren't going to abuse or damage them further.
d) All those children in care just waiting - and you've still not been picked.
For every white, healthy baby under 2, there are probably about 20 adoptive couples. These children are not languishing in care - they're just going to other families.
e) Can you change it's name?
No - our child has a name.
f) Can you pick the sex?
Yes, if we really wanted to - but why would we? That's the least of our problems
g) I'll have one for you if you want
Erm... thanks, but no thanks
h) I think what you're doing is wonderful
We just want to be parents.
i) Have you thought about IVF?
Oh once or twice - every day for about 4 years
the list does go on, but at the risk of sounding callous towards people who care, I won't keep going...
Dark side 7) Bonding
Will I love this child enough? It's hard enough to love children born to you. It's hard sometimes to cope with the change of lifestyle that this little person imposes without being a bit resentful. When you add into the mix the fact that this person will drop into our lives a stranger - sometimes I'm scared. Will I love this little child enough to make up for the lack of love that's gone before? Can I mend this baby's broken heart, whilst ensuring the health of my own? Am I strong enough - are WE strong enough - to be able to cope with someone else's baby - and when will they become ours? At link stage? At matching panel? The first photo? The first day of intros? The day Mozza comes home? Ever? I have no answers - it's just another conundrum.
My next blog will be about the light side of adoption. Today I just had some issues which needed writing down!
During this time of waiting, the Lam and I have many moments in which to think things through. Then rethink them, then think some more, then read about them, then talk about them, and then change our minds completely, and then end up somewhere in the middle of extremes of opinion. And still with no resolve, with no earthly idea when Mozza is going to show up - or how old he/she will be when he/she does.
Dark side 1) The Wait.
A friend said to me that it's just like being pregnant. Erm... no it isn't. One of the key differences is that when pregnant - you pretty much know when baby is gonna arrive - ok baby could come early-ish or late-ish, but we're talking a few days or a couple of weeks at most. With adoption - we could still be waiting here in 3 years time. Or we could get a phone call next week. So the dark side here is putting your life on hold. That might not sound like much of a problem - but it is. We can't plan holidays or trips away. It's difficult to commit to anything at work that might be impacted. We have no idea if next Christmas we'll have Mozza, or if it'll be another child-free zone. And believe me - that gets very weary! We've been waiting for Mozza on Adoption Street for 2 years now. Before that we were on IVF Road for 4 years, but Mozza didn't come, so we moved. Before IVF Road we were on Trying Naturally Avenue, but that has always been fruitless. We've been waiting for Mozza for 9 years now - that's not like any pregnancy I know!!
Dark side 2) Finances.
Ok, so most people - if not all - who plan for a family struggle with finances. We're fully aware of that. But we've had to do a financial plan. Current income/expenditure. Proposed income/expenditure. Adoption leave income/expenditure. If it doesn't add up - we ain't getting matched. We have to update social services constantly on any changes to our finances, and send them proof of any major purchases. Like, for example, we bought a new bed. We were asked whether or not we needed one, as that money could have gone into the adoption fund. We suggested we might go on holiday for a few days at Christmas - they can't demand we don't, but they did tell us that it wouldn't be looked at favourably. We've been told to keep our spends low and our savings high, and have to prove we are doing this on a monthly basis by sending our bank statements to social services every single month - for the last year, and on a continuing basis. And if we buy anything on credit, you might as well just take us out at dawn and shoot us. Not a major problem, but very very annoying!
Dark side 3) Health and Safety and Home Environment
OK, so the house needs to be ready when you have a baby - right? Right. Most people would want to do this - we have to. And we have to comply with certain standards before we can even be considered for adoption. Most of this is common sense, and there is no problem behind the reasoning of it - but we have been forced to do it within social services timescale, and that's the really testing part! So far, this is what we've had to do:
Completely redecorate the house. We planned to do this anyway, but because we stupidly told social services, we were told we had to finish it before approval panel - so we spent 4 months ripping off wallpaper, plastering, painting, new carpets etc. Smoke alarms in every room.
Fire extinguishers, fire blankets, changed all the window locks, three new first aid kits, locks on all cupboards and doors, cooker guard, 5 baby gates, new shed, new garden fence, completion of dog training, completely replace the bannisters on the stairs, new lights, lock on the cellar, new front gate, new floor. This is all before approval - way, way before our baby is even a twinkle in social services eye. how annoying!
Dark side 4) What to buy
One of the lovely things about knowing you're going to have a baby, is preparing for the baby. Nesting, decorating, buying little baby clothes, stocking up on nappies, getting the nursery ready. Not only is it lovely, but it's necessary - you need to be ready, and you can't go out and buy all this stuff in one go once baby has arrived.
We have to, though.
Until we go to matching panel, there's no way of knowing what to buy. We can't buy clothes - our age range is 0-2 - we could get a 4 month old or a 24 month old. We can't buy nappies for the same reason. We can't buy a pushchair, a highchair, a car seat, a cot or a bed, toys, bibs, sterilisers.... you name it, we can't buy it. And that's very hard and very sad. We want to get ready for Mozza - we want Mozza's room to look like a nursery - but we can't. We can't even decorate really, because Mozza may well come with trauma which could be triggered by colour. Mozza might want bedsheets like the ones he/she had in foster care because they're familiar. The only things we can really buy are babywipes (and hope to hell Mozza's not allergic) and books. Older books, though, just in case, and wait for Mozza to grow into them. All of which means, of course, that once we're matched we have to go and get everything all at once. Everything! And between matching and intros - it could be as short as one day! Financially that's going to be tough, and physically it's going to be tough - but emotionally it's tough now. We WANT to buy things for Mozza - we're desperate to plan for this littly - and we just can't.
Dark side 5) Trauma
Now we're getting properly dark. All adopted children suffer trauma. This is fact. No matter what their history, by the time they reach their forever Mummy and Daddy (us) they will have experienced at least two circumstances of loss - the removal from their birth family, and their removal from their foster carer. That's the best case scenario. They could have so many paniful, hurtful, terrifying memories from their past, that it will take a lifetime to make them feel safe. At best we're going to have to deal with the fact that we're not the birth family and explain why Mozza couldn't stay there. Other issues could include Mozza not being able to make attachments, not developing properly - motor skills being so damaged by never being held or made safe, that Mozza still might not be able to use a cup properly by the time he/she is a teenager. Developmentally, the probability is that Mozza will be behind his/her peers, and is more likely to suffer anxiety, stress and re-attachment disorder. If there is a more dark side to Mozza's past in terms of real abuse or neglect, then those problems could manifest in countless ways - hitting, biting, bullying, not eating, not washing, fear, not bonding, night terrors...the ways in which adopted children cope with their histories is manifold and heart-breaking. And we don't know how it's going to go. We don't know yet what Mozza will have suffered, and we don't know yet how we're going to start mending it. People say to us "Mozza will be safe and loved with you, and that's enough" - but it's not enough, and we have far more uncertainty in front of us than if we could just conceive Mozza ourselves. The challenges are almost unbearable, and the unknown is scarier still.
Dark side 6) Well-Meaning People
This dark side is not intended to offend. I know that everybody who talks to us about the adoption is well-meaning and interested, and for that we love you. But some of the things that some people say can be bloomin hard to deal with
a) You can have one of mine if you want.
Oh thanks. Flippancy is what I need right now
b) People who have their own kids don't have to be vetted like you
No - but if they did, then perhaps there wouldn't be any children up for adoption!
c) Why is it taking so long?
Because social services have to make sure that the people they entrust this child to, aren't going to abuse or damage them further.
d) All those children in care just waiting - and you've still not been picked.
For every white, healthy baby under 2, there are probably about 20 adoptive couples. These children are not languishing in care - they're just going to other families.
e) Can you change it's name?
No - our child has a name.
f) Can you pick the sex?
Yes, if we really wanted to - but why would we? That's the least of our problems
g) I'll have one for you if you want
Erm... thanks, but no thanks
h) I think what you're doing is wonderful
We just want to be parents.
i) Have you thought about IVF?
Oh once or twice - every day for about 4 years
the list does go on, but at the risk of sounding callous towards people who care, I won't keep going...
Dark side 7) Bonding
Will I love this child enough? It's hard enough to love children born to you. It's hard sometimes to cope with the change of lifestyle that this little person imposes without being a bit resentful. When you add into the mix the fact that this person will drop into our lives a stranger - sometimes I'm scared. Will I love this little child enough to make up for the lack of love that's gone before? Can I mend this baby's broken heart, whilst ensuring the health of my own? Am I strong enough - are WE strong enough - to be able to cope with someone else's baby - and when will they become ours? At link stage? At matching panel? The first photo? The first day of intros? The day Mozza comes home? Ever? I have no answers - it's just another conundrum.
My next blog will be about the light side of adoption. Today I just had some issues which needed writing down!
Thursday 12 November 2009
The story so far...
Coming late to blogging on our journey, but currently sitting in a waiting bubble, so thought it would be a good time to start:
A brief history of us:
I am Bectora and me and my husband, The Lam after years of trying to conceive and 3 years of an ultimately wasted IVF journey, came to adoption in October 2007.
January 2008 saw us on our initial open evening
February 2008 saw our official expression of interest posted to LA
March 2008 saw us getting provisionally accepted with LA
April 2008 was our first visit from social workers. 2 of. They came to see us, chatted about why we felt adoption was for us, and then went away to decide our fate. The next day we received the phone call - we were in! We didn't know it at the time, but apparently more than 80% of prospective adopters are declined at this stage.
June 2008 saw us on adoption prep group - 5 intensive and emotional days with 10 other couples learning about trauma, attachment, grief, bonding, playing - so many exhaustive and emotional things. At prep group stage, around 50% of adopters will pull out of the process, because it is not for them.
July 2008 we were allocated our homestudy social worker - we'll call her Annie.
August 2008 saw the start of our home study - a series of social worker visits to our home from Annie - each lasting between 2 and 5 hours, and covering many topics in great detail. During the home study we talked about all kinds of issues, facts, opinions, beliefs, emotions, histories, theories and, well, just us that all make up our PAR (prospective adopters report)
September 2008 saw us on another prep group session - this one about foetal alcohol syndrome and drug abuse in pregnancy. Many adoptive children are born in this kind of environment.
Between October 2008 and May 2009 - we completed our home study. In addition to the emotive stuff listed above, this also included medicals from our GP (which took months) Local Authority checks, CRB checks, employers reference, 2 personal references and a family reference, family tree, chronology of our lives from birth, eco map, support networks, home environment (health and safety) local environment, schools and services nearby, research into children's centres and local groups, experience and understanding of child care, training on grief and trauma in adopted children, attachment and loss, coming to terms with the loss of our own fertility, alcohol and drug misuse in birth families, behavioural issues specific to adoptive children, dog report, not to mention lots of homework - reading many books, watching DVDs etc. It also comprised 2 "2nd opinion" visits from Annie's line manager who we'll call Babette!
Adoption Panel was the next stage. In order to become a prospective adopter, you need to go before a formal panel and explain exactly why you are good enough to parent a potentially damaged child. We were hoping for adoption approval panel in April 2009, but we were dropped from 4 panels - one on 1st April, one on 23rd April, one on May 16th and one on June 23rd.
Finally we struck gold, and July the 1st 2009 saw us at adoption approval panel
It was terrifying. Nine individuals who had read and studied our PAR and held the fate of our future as a family in their hands. They interviewed us and asked us questions on our support network and on how prepared we are for change in our lifestyles. They then asked us about the tackling of issues of attachment and our attitudes towards the potential birth families. Annie and Babette were amazing, and promoted us brilliantly. We were led into a little ante-room whilst the panel decided our fate.
Less than two minutes later, the Chair of the panel came in to us. The Lam and I were sitting, holding hands and shaking a little. The Chair, smiling broadly, simply said, "it's a confident and unanimous yes"
I cried, the Lam sunk his head into his hands, and we hugged Annie! We went back into the room where the panel were all smiling at us, and they told us we were a really strong couple and had a great application and that was it. We were approved. We were going to be parents.
What a day - we went for a lovely pub lunch and then phoned everyone we knew!
And then went home to prepare for Mozza....
And then... the sound of silence!
For months
We heard nothing until midway through October, when we contacted Annie and she arranged to come and see us.
It turned out that she'd been busy putting our names forward for three different bambinos - but we weren't the preferred couple for any of the children's social workers. Annie said we were strongly considered, but on all three occasions, the social worker went with another couple
So obviously none of those children were Mozza!
Then she told us that there's another one - all we know is that he's a little boy - and we'll know by the end of November!
She's coming to see us on the 30th to tell us one way or the other if his social worker has chosen me and the Lam!
So, we're still waiting for Mozza - but maybe he's getting closer!
A brief history of us:
I am Bectora and me and my husband, The Lam after years of trying to conceive and 3 years of an ultimately wasted IVF journey, came to adoption in October 2007.
January 2008 saw us on our initial open evening
February 2008 saw our official expression of interest posted to LA
March 2008 saw us getting provisionally accepted with LA
April 2008 was our first visit from social workers. 2 of. They came to see us, chatted about why we felt adoption was for us, and then went away to decide our fate. The next day we received the phone call - we were in! We didn't know it at the time, but apparently more than 80% of prospective adopters are declined at this stage.
June 2008 saw us on adoption prep group - 5 intensive and emotional days with 10 other couples learning about trauma, attachment, grief, bonding, playing - so many exhaustive and emotional things. At prep group stage, around 50% of adopters will pull out of the process, because it is not for them.
July 2008 we were allocated our homestudy social worker - we'll call her Annie.
August 2008 saw the start of our home study - a series of social worker visits to our home from Annie - each lasting between 2 and 5 hours, and covering many topics in great detail. During the home study we talked about all kinds of issues, facts, opinions, beliefs, emotions, histories, theories and, well, just us that all make up our PAR (prospective adopters report)
September 2008 saw us on another prep group session - this one about foetal alcohol syndrome and drug abuse in pregnancy. Many adoptive children are born in this kind of environment.
Between October 2008 and May 2009 - we completed our home study. In addition to the emotive stuff listed above, this also included medicals from our GP (which took months) Local Authority checks, CRB checks, employers reference, 2 personal references and a family reference, family tree, chronology of our lives from birth, eco map, support networks, home environment (health and safety) local environment, schools and services nearby, research into children's centres and local groups, experience and understanding of child care, training on grief and trauma in adopted children, attachment and loss, coming to terms with the loss of our own fertility, alcohol and drug misuse in birth families, behavioural issues specific to adoptive children, dog report, not to mention lots of homework - reading many books, watching DVDs etc. It also comprised 2 "2nd opinion" visits from Annie's line manager who we'll call Babette!
Adoption Panel was the next stage. In order to become a prospective adopter, you need to go before a formal panel and explain exactly why you are good enough to parent a potentially damaged child. We were hoping for adoption approval panel in April 2009, but we were dropped from 4 panels - one on 1st April, one on 23rd April, one on May 16th and one on June 23rd.
Finally we struck gold, and July the 1st 2009 saw us at adoption approval panel
It was terrifying. Nine individuals who had read and studied our PAR and held the fate of our future as a family in their hands. They interviewed us and asked us questions on our support network and on how prepared we are for change in our lifestyles. They then asked us about the tackling of issues of attachment and our attitudes towards the potential birth families. Annie and Babette were amazing, and promoted us brilliantly. We were led into a little ante-room whilst the panel decided our fate.
Less than two minutes later, the Chair of the panel came in to us. The Lam and I were sitting, holding hands and shaking a little. The Chair, smiling broadly, simply said, "it's a confident and unanimous yes"
I cried, the Lam sunk his head into his hands, and we hugged Annie! We went back into the room where the panel were all smiling at us, and they told us we were a really strong couple and had a great application and that was it. We were approved. We were going to be parents.
What a day - we went for a lovely pub lunch and then phoned everyone we knew!
And then went home to prepare for Mozza....
And then... the sound of silence!
For months
We heard nothing until midway through October, when we contacted Annie and she arranged to come and see us.
It turned out that she'd been busy putting our names forward for three different bambinos - but we weren't the preferred couple for any of the children's social workers. Annie said we were strongly considered, but on all three occasions, the social worker went with another couple
So obviously none of those children were Mozza!
Then she told us that there's another one - all we know is that he's a little boy - and we'll know by the end of November!
She's coming to see us on the 30th to tell us one way or the other if his social worker has chosen me and the Lam!
So, we're still waiting for Mozza - but maybe he's getting closer!
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