The Dark Side of Adoption

...or probably the dark sides of adoption (plural), for it seems they are many!
During this time of waiting, the Lam and I have many moments in which to think things through. Then rethink them, then think some more, then read about them, then talk about them, and then change our minds completely, and then end up somewhere in the middle of extremes of opinion. And still with no resolve, with no earthly idea when Mozza is going to show up - or how old he/she will be when he/she does.

Dark side 1) The Wait.
A friend said to me that it's just like being pregnant. Erm... no it isn't. One of the key differences is that when pregnant - you pretty much know when baby is gonna arrive - ok baby could come early-ish or late-ish, but we're talking a few days or a couple of weeks at most. With adoption - we could still be waiting here in 3 years time. Or we could get a phone call next week. So the dark side here is putting your life on hold. That might not sound like much of a problem - but it is. We can't plan holidays or trips away. It's difficult to commit to anything at work that might be impacted. We have no idea if next Christmas we'll have Mozza, or if it'll be another child-free zone. And believe me - that gets very weary! We've been waiting for Mozza on Adoption Street for 2 years now. Before that we were on IVF Road for 4 years, but Mozza didn't come, so we moved. Before IVF Road we were on Trying Naturally Avenue, but that has always been fruitless. We've been waiting for Mozza for 9 years now - that's not like any pregnancy I know!!
Dark side 2) Finances.
Ok, so most people - if not all - who plan for a family struggle with finances. We're fully aware of that. But we've had to do a financial plan. Current income/expenditure. Proposed income/expenditure. Adoption leave income/expenditure. If it doesn't add up - we ain't getting matched. We have to update social services constantly on any changes to our finances, and send them proof of any major purchases. Like, for example, we bought a new bed. We were asked whether or not we needed one, as that money could have gone into the adoption fund. We suggested we might go on holiday for a few days at Christmas - they can't demand we don't, but they did tell us that it wouldn't be looked at favourably. We've been told to keep our spends low and our savings high, and have to prove we are doing this on a monthly basis by sending our bank statements to social services every single month - for the last year, and on a continuing basis. And if we buy anything on credit, you might as well just take us out at dawn and shoot us. Not a major problem, but very very annoying!
Dark side 3) Health and Safety and Home Environment
OK, so the house needs to be ready when you have a baby - right? Right. Most people would want to do this - we have to. And we have to comply with certain standards before we can even be considered for adoption. Most of this is common sense, and there is no problem behind the reasoning of it - but we have been forced to do it within social services timescale, and that's the really testing part! So far, this is what we've had to do:
Completely redecorate the house. We planned to do this anyway, but because we stupidly told social services, we were told we had to finish it before approval panel - so we spent 4 months ripping off wallpaper, plastering, painting, new carpets etc. Smoke alarms in every room.
Fire extinguishers, fire blankets, changed all the window locks, three new first aid kits, locks on all cupboards and doors, cooker guard, 5 baby gates, new shed, new garden fence, completion of dog training, completely replace the bannisters on the stairs, new lights, lock on the cellar, new front gate, new floor. This is all before approval - way, way before our baby is even a twinkle in social services eye. how annoying!
Dark side 4) What to buy
One of the lovely things about knowing you're going to have a baby, is preparing for the baby. Nesting, decorating, buying little baby clothes, stocking up on nappies, getting the nursery ready. Not only is it lovely, but it's necessary - you need to be ready, and you can't go out and buy all this stuff in one go once baby has arrived.
We have to, though.
Until we go to matching panel, there's no way of knowing what to buy. We can't buy clothes - our age range is 0-2 - we could get a 4 month old or a 24 month old. We can't buy nappies for the same reason. We can't buy a pushchair, a highchair, a car seat, a cot or a bed, toys, bibs, sterilisers.... you name it, we can't buy it. And that's very hard and very sad. We want to get ready for Mozza - we want Mozza's room to look like a nursery - but we can't. We can't even decorate really, because Mozza may well come with trauma which could be triggered by colour. Mozza might want bedsheets like the ones he/she had in foster care because they're familiar. The only things we can really buy are babywipes (and hope to hell Mozza's not allergic) and books. Older books, though, just in case, and wait for Mozza to grow into them. All of which means, of course, that once we're matched we have to go and get everything all at once. Everything! And between matching and intros - it could be as short as one day! Financially that's going to be tough, and physically it's going to be tough - but emotionally it's tough now. We WANT to buy things for Mozza - we're desperate to plan for this littly - and we just can't.
Dark side 5) Trauma
Now we're getting properly dark. All adopted children suffer trauma. This is fact. No matter what their history, by the time they reach their forever Mummy and Daddy (us) they will have experienced at least two circumstances of loss - the removal from their birth family, and their removal from their foster carer. That's the best case scenario. They could have so many paniful, hurtful, terrifying memories from their past, that it will take a lifetime to make them feel safe. At best we're going to have to deal with the fact that we're not the birth family and explain why Mozza couldn't stay there. Other issues could include Mozza not being able to make attachments, not developing properly - motor skills being so damaged by never being held or made safe, that Mozza still might not be able to use a cup properly by the time he/she is a teenager. Developmentally, the probability is that Mozza will be behind his/her peers, and is more likely to suffer anxiety, stress and re-attachment disorder. If there is a more dark side to Mozza's past in terms of real abuse or neglect, then those problems could manifest in countless ways - hitting, biting, bullying, not eating, not washing, fear, not bonding, night terrors...the ways in which adopted children cope with their histories is manifold and heart-breaking. And we don't know how it's going to go. We don't know yet what Mozza will have suffered, and we don't know yet how we're going to start mending it. People say to us "Mozza will be safe and loved with you, and that's enough" - but it's not enough, and we have far more uncertainty in front of us than if we could just conceive Mozza ourselves. The challenges are almost unbearable, and the unknown is scarier still.
Dark side 6) Well-Meaning People
This dark side is not intended to offend. I know that everybody who talks to us about the adoption is well-meaning and interested, and for that we love you. But some of the things that some people say can be bloomin hard to deal with
a) You can have one of mine if you want.
Oh thanks. Flippancy is what I need right now
b) People who have their own kids don't have to be vetted like you
No - but if they did, then perhaps there wouldn't be any children up for adoption!
c) Why is it taking so long?
Because social services have to make sure that the people they entrust this child to, aren't going to abuse or damage them further.
d) All those children in care just waiting - and you've still not been picked.
For every white, healthy baby under 2, there are probably about 20 adoptive couples. These children are not languishing in care - they're just going to other families.
e) Can you change it's name?
No - our child has a name.
f) Can you pick the sex?
Yes, if we really wanted to - but why would we? That's the least of our problems
g) I'll have one for you if you want
Erm... thanks, but no thanks
h) I think what you're doing is wonderful
We just want to be parents.
i) Have you thought about IVF?
Oh once or twice - every day for about 4 years

the list does go on, but at the risk of sounding callous towards people who care, I won't keep going...

Dark side 7) Bonding
Will I love this child enough? It's hard enough to love children born to you. It's hard sometimes to cope with the change of lifestyle that this little person imposes without being a bit resentful. When you add into the mix the fact that this person will drop into our lives a stranger - sometimes I'm scared. Will I love this little child enough to make up for the lack of love that's gone before? Can I mend this baby's broken heart, whilst ensuring the health of my own? Am I strong enough - are WE strong enough - to be able to cope with someone else's baby - and when will they become ours? At link stage? At matching panel? The first photo? The first day of intros? The day Mozza comes home? Ever? I have no answers - it's just another conundrum.

My next blog will be about the light side of adoption. Today I just had some issues which needed writing down!