So, I've mentioned "Matching Panel" in passing. What I can't really even begin to describe in a way that does it any justice whatsoever, is how truly daunting "Matching Panel" is.
When you start on the journey to MP, you are probably more emotional and manic than at any other point of your life, ever. Because you are linked with a child.
After all of those years and all of that preparation, we were finally linked. We then had to complete a Matching Report, with Annie and Chris. This is a report which goes into unbelievable detail as to why you, and only you, are worthy of this specific child. We had received Mozza's placement report, detailing his birth family and (fairly short) history to date. It was sobering reading, as Mozza has siblings, and the treatment of his siblings was the reason that he was taken to be adopted at birth. You can only imagine how harrowing that was to read. But mixed in with that was a huge amount of emotion and feelings that we never knew we had. Firstly, reading about his birth parents - trying to reconcile their actions and their own life stories with the fact that they were also the genetic engineers behind the little miracle who would be our son. Despite their actions...despite what the other children had been through, these people would always be Mozza's birth parents, and we had to approach their stories with the most open of minds.
We had to read his report and study it with a fine toothcomb, because we then had to take his report and our report and make a brand new report. One that told why no one else in the world should have this baby, and why we should.
Can you imagine?
Why this baby? Why you? What can you give to him that no one else can? How will you deal with x, y and z? How will you tell him his life story? How will you talk to him about why he can't live with his birth parents? How will you raise him? How will you provide for him? How will you give him the best life possible in a way that no one else could? What makes you so special?
What makes you so special that we should give you this child?
In 40,000 words.
Then - the what-ifs?
"Bectora and The Lam - Mozza is very young. There are no guarantees about his future, and there are question marks over birth family history...so, what if...?"
What if he has developmental delay? What if he is on the spectrum? What if he has genetic learning disabilities? What if he has Hepatitis B? What if he has attachment disorder? What if he has speech delay? What if he has low motor skills? What if, what if, what if...
And the fact is....so what? He was already our son, so none of that was a reason to not proceed. But to have to convince a panel of that is another matter entirely.
So, we had our panel date. But we hadn't told anybody, except very close family. Because ALL THE TIME - all the time we were doing this preparation, and counting down the minutes, we had it drilled into us every five seconds - "PANEL MIGHT SAY NO"
Preparing for this, the most important step in the process, and therefore the most important day of our lives, we were flying solo. Despite having spent years telling us that we needed our support network to get us through the hard times, Annie was now telling us that we couldn't even talk about it with anyone. Couldn't even tell anyone he existed. I knew that if we were successful at Panel, I would be finishing work for a year two days later. But I couldn't tell anyone. Projects and assignments were coming up, different people trying to book meetings with me, colleagues trying to recruit me to run Summer School, students trying to get me to tech their performances... I just had to keep putting people off, all the time trying not to think that if we were unsuccessful, I'd have to do it all anyway.
Also having to lie. Our friends calling us...texting us...."Have you heard anything yet?" And we would respond with a "No, nothing," and then be launched into a conversation about how rubbish Social Services were, and how they needed to pull their finger out because didn't they know we'd be amazing parents?
And all the time, just wanting to stand on the roof and shout..."He's real. And he might just be ours"
Panel day dawned, and we dressed in our finery again, knowing that there could be photos for posterity. Wanting to remember every second of the day, whilst all the time desperately hoping we wouldn't want to forget. We spoke to our parents, and then we left the house. And, apart from our nearest and dearest, nobody knew. Everyone was just going about their business, like it was a normal day. Nobody was on the phone wishing us luck. Nobody was getting excited about the potential baby in our lives, because nobody knew. We were excited, apprehensive, nervous, thrilled and alone.
So we drove to that building another time. And we signed in, and we sat in the waiting room, and we waited.
We were the number one slot of the day. We entered the room - there were fifteen people on one side of the board room table, and there was us, Annie, Chris, Babette and Danni (the family finder) on our side.
The Chair of the Panel introduced herself and everybody else around the table. All of these people who had read our Matching Report at length, and knew everything about us - our histories, our dreams, our hopes, our aspirations - our desires. I have no idea who they were - they included a doctor, some other social workers, someone from the court, someone from children's services, the agency "decision maker", a couple of lawyers - I don't know. Just a load of people who, as it turned out, were the most important people in the world.
Panel started. I'd like to tell you what was said, and what was asked, but I can't. Some things for confidentiality, and some because I can't really remember - we talked about lifestyle, and plans, and finances, and the dog. We talked about behavioural management, contingency plans, social worker meetings, the contact plan with the birth family. We talked about why we wanted him, and why we were right for him. We talked about how we planned to deal with temper, and nappies and feeding and nurturing - what our long-term back to work plans were, how extended family would play a part. We talked about our support network, local amenities. We talked about our wonderful friends who had met with Annie and provided us with references. We talked about how our life experiences would be used to create a new world for Mozza.
Annie and Chris and Babette were also grilled. They talked at length about why they approved of this match so much they were prepared to stake their professional reputations on it.
We talked about how much we already loved him.
We talked for nearly an hour and a half, and then they sent us out of the room whilst they made the decision.
So we sat. And we waited.
And we waited
For nearly ten minutes.
And for the first time, we thought something had gone horribly wrong. What could they be talking about?
The chair of the panel came in. She wasn't smiling. She simply said, "We are ready for you to return"
We stood up. I'm pretty sure the world was shaking. We went back into the room to be met by...
smiles.
Everyone was smiling, and Chris was wiping away some tears.
We sat down, and the Chair looked at us and said
"We are delighted to approve this very special match, and think that you will be a wonderful family"
Approve?
Annie automatically handed me a tissue, and then - me and The Lam broke. I think I might have said "thank you," I don't know...I think I might have hugged a couple of them.
I think that, at that moment and for the first time ever, I knew why I was born. For that.
Approve. "We are delighted to approve."
PANEL SAID "YES"
And we knew what that meant...this was it. After ten years, this was it...we would get everything that we'd ever wanted. Me and The Lam, - we were getting Mozza. Mozza was real, and he was going to come home and live with us forever. We could stand on the roof and tell the whole wide world. PANEL SAID YES.
We left the room, somehow, and went into the office. Chris presented us with a beautiful photo of Mozza to take away with us, and we got our diairies out and planned the following week of meetings and intros. Annie told us to go crazy at the weekend and buy everything we'd need, and to enjoy preparing for Mozza coming home.
We left the building and got into the car. We got our phones ready to phone everybody and let them know they could buy blue balloons and babygros, but first...first we looked and one another and burst into tears...
...because finally...finally....we had a son.
Saturday 2 June 2012
Friday 1 June 2012
Words Upon a Page
Words
Upon a Page
To our son
You grew inside our hearts and minds, from words upon a page
A list of all the things we’d want - your name, your sex, your age
Not like other babies, and not like any other mummy
I knew I’d never feel you grow inside my tummy.
Instead you grew in meetings, in homework and in books
On paperwork and talking, we’d search and we would look.
We had to learn about a world we never knew before
We knew the journey we were on, but not what was in store.
So months they passed, and even years before things were moving on
We didn’t know what to base our hopes and feelings on.
Panels and interviews, approvals and judgement days
All moulded into a block of time, lost inside a haze
And so much time to think of you, our unknown future child
Would we ever meet you? Had you already smiled?
When had been your birthday? Had you blown the candles out?
Were you walking, had you talked? Were you filled with doubt?
Were you a little baby? Or were you ready-grown?
Would we ever find you, and love you like our own?
Would you be a little boy? Or would you be a girl?
Would you be blonde, like mummy, straight hair, or with a curl?
Had your past come into play? Were you feeling sad?
What kind of life were you in? What family had you had?
It was too hard to think of the future that we craved
We didn’t know when you would come and when we would be saved
Our “pregnancy” lived on and on, no tangible kicks we felt
No due date ahead of us, the hand that we were dealt.
And all the while, a feeling, that we had done things differently
Would we ever be good enough, for you to be happy?
Questions from all around, and no answers we could give
We didn’t know how far away you were, or where you lived
Training and preparation, books and conversations
Would the evenings filled with darkness ever turn to celebration?
Would we find you this year? Or would it be the next?
Would we ever smile again, or live life as a guest?
We wanted to be a family, more than you ever knew
We just knew we were waiting, waiting here for you
And we knew that we would simply know, when our child came along
We hoped after all these years, it wouldn’t take too long.
And then - a phone rang one day, to bring the news of you
Subdued and oh so serious, still with so much to do
But details, details that we had - words upon a page
A tiny little baby boy, just twelve short weeks in age.
Not allowed to be excited, or share our news around
But we celebrated privately, because you had been found.
We knew there were some obstacles, meetings - judgement too
But in our hearts we really knew, that our son was you.
The weeks ticked by with thoughts of you filling both our heads
Little Mozza - out there. Was he in his bed?
Was he having fun today? Drinking milk, smiling yet?
We had no clue where you were, but our future was all set
Panel day arrived - a group deciding all our fate
An early morning slot meant we wouldn’t have to wait.
An hour or so inside the room, promising that we’d be
Everything and more to you - a loving family
We told of how we loved you, from the first words on the page
And that love had grown stronger, with each passing stage
A photograph of baby you, and words from those who knew
All combined to prove to us, how much we wanted you.
We spoke and spoke right from our hearts, and then were asked to leave
While a verdict was considered - did that panel believe?
Did they have faith in both of us, that we three were so right?
Would this be (oh finally) our celebration night?
The minutes they ticked on and on, the longest we had known
Slowly passing by until we might call you our own
And then we were called right back in, to listen to our fate
For those long years had all boiled down to this everlasting wait.
The panel looked right at us, and smiles were all around
They told us that they knew the ideal match had just been found
That we were right to be your parents, that you were right to be our boy
Never had we felt such unadulterated joy.
The tears rolled down our cheeks, and I swear my heart just stopped
With love and smiles and happiness, I truly thought I’d pop.
The “yes” we heard from panel, was the loudest ever word
It filled our hearts and lives and heads, the best word ever heard.
We celebrated all day long, and cried all through the night
We knew that we’d been waiting for this feeling - oh, so right.
Champagne was popped, and we both knew our lives would start to change
A feeling that we never knew we’d feel, it was so strange.
A week of introductions, where we would finally meet our son
We couldn’t wait for that day, our lives had just begun.
The drive to go and meet you was the very strangest drive
We’d never felt more scared - and never more alive.
We entered the house so nervously, this moment - this was it
The moment that we’d know if we were a perfect fit
Walking through an open door, my eyes were drawn to you
A mother’s love inside me. Oh Mozza - I just knew.
I picked you up and held you, and my life was so complete
All those years of waiting, for that moment pure and sweet.
Daddy held you too, and we looked at one another
No more waiting to be had - we couldn’t run for cover
For we were faced with eternity, of changing - 2 to 3
And we could think of no other place that we’d rather be.
The week of introductions flew by inside a blur
It lasted both a lifetime, and gone inside a whir
And then we brought you back with us, to your forever home
A mummy and a daddy you could finally call your own.
And each day that has passed since then, we’ve loved you more and more
And still can’t believe you’re here - just what we were waiting for.
You’re embedded in our lives, my son, it all revolves around you
And there’s nothing on this planet, that we would rather do.
Every single day my heart fills with more love than I’ve known
From simple words upon a page, you’ve turned into our own.
No, you didn’t grow inside me, son, but you were born inside my heart
And this feeling I hold within, I know is just the start
From concepts and conversations, homework and making lists
It’s only now you’re here, that we know this love exists
You complete us, little Mozza, you make us perfect and whole
And making you safe and happy is our only aim and goal.
We are a special family, brought together in clinical ways
But we know that we’ll be happy for the rest of all our days
Your smile, your laugh, your cheeky grin, the silly things you say,
The way you look at both of us, brightens up the day
The instant recognition and the happiness which emanates
From you as the centre of our world, makes our hearts palpitate
You are our every reason, son, you complete our family
There’s nothing else I’d rather have - than you, Daddy and me.
So never wonder, Mozza, if our family was a whim
Because I’ve spent my whole life wanting you, and it’s my heart you’re in
To our son
You grew inside our hearts and minds, from words upon a page
A list of all the things we’d want - your name, your sex, your age
Not like other babies, and not like any other mummy
I knew I’d never feel you grow inside my tummy.
Instead you grew in meetings, in homework and in books
On paperwork and talking, we’d search and we would look.
We had to learn about a world we never knew before
We knew the journey we were on, but not what was in store.
So months they passed, and even years before things were moving on
We didn’t know what to base our hopes and feelings on.
Panels and interviews, approvals and judgement days
All moulded into a block of time, lost inside a haze
And so much time to think of you, our unknown future child
Would we ever meet you? Had you already smiled?
When had been your birthday? Had you blown the candles out?
Were you walking, had you talked? Were you filled with doubt?
Were you a little baby? Or were you ready-grown?
Would we ever find you, and love you like our own?
Would you be a little boy? Or would you be a girl?
Would you be blonde, like mummy, straight hair, or with a curl?
Had your past come into play? Were you feeling sad?
What kind of life were you in? What family had you had?
It was too hard to think of the future that we craved
We didn’t know when you would come and when we would be saved
Our “pregnancy” lived on and on, no tangible kicks we felt
No due date ahead of us, the hand that we were dealt.
And all the while, a feeling, that we had done things differently
Would we ever be good enough, for you to be happy?
Questions from all around, and no answers we could give
We didn’t know how far away you were, or where you lived
Training and preparation, books and conversations
Would the evenings filled with darkness ever turn to celebration?
Would we find you this year? Or would it be the next?
Would we ever smile again, or live life as a guest?
We wanted to be a family, more than you ever knew
We just knew we were waiting, waiting here for you
And we knew that we would simply know, when our child came along
We hoped after all these years, it wouldn’t take too long.
And then - a phone rang one day, to bring the news of you
Subdued and oh so serious, still with so much to do
But details, details that we had - words upon a page
A tiny little baby boy, just twelve short weeks in age.
Not allowed to be excited, or share our news around
But we celebrated privately, because you had been found.
We knew there were some obstacles, meetings - judgement too
But in our hearts we really knew, that our son was you.
The weeks ticked by with thoughts of you filling both our heads
Little Mozza - out there. Was he in his bed?
Was he having fun today? Drinking milk, smiling yet?
We had no clue where you were, but our future was all set
Panel day arrived - a group deciding all our fate
An early morning slot meant we wouldn’t have to wait.
An hour or so inside the room, promising that we’d be
Everything and more to you - a loving family
We told of how we loved you, from the first words on the page
And that love had grown stronger, with each passing stage
A photograph of baby you, and words from those who knew
All combined to prove to us, how much we wanted you.
We spoke and spoke right from our hearts, and then were asked to leave
While a verdict was considered - did that panel believe?
Did they have faith in both of us, that we three were so right?
Would this be (oh finally) our celebration night?
The minutes they ticked on and on, the longest we had known
Slowly passing by until we might call you our own
And then we were called right back in, to listen to our fate
For those long years had all boiled down to this everlasting wait.
The panel looked right at us, and smiles were all around
They told us that they knew the ideal match had just been found
That we were right to be your parents, that you were right to be our boy
Never had we felt such unadulterated joy.
The tears rolled down our cheeks, and I swear my heart just stopped
With love and smiles and happiness, I truly thought I’d pop.
The “yes” we heard from panel, was the loudest ever word
It filled our hearts and lives and heads, the best word ever heard.
We celebrated all day long, and cried all through the night
We knew that we’d been waiting for this feeling - oh, so right.
Champagne was popped, and we both knew our lives would start to change
A feeling that we never knew we’d feel, it was so strange.
A week of introductions, where we would finally meet our son
We couldn’t wait for that day, our lives had just begun.
The drive to go and meet you was the very strangest drive
We’d never felt more scared - and never more alive.
We entered the house so nervously, this moment - this was it
The moment that we’d know if we were a perfect fit
Walking through an open door, my eyes were drawn to you
A mother’s love inside me. Oh Mozza - I just knew.
I picked you up and held you, and my life was so complete
All those years of waiting, for that moment pure and sweet.
Daddy held you too, and we looked at one another
No more waiting to be had - we couldn’t run for cover
For we were faced with eternity, of changing - 2 to 3
And we could think of no other place that we’d rather be.
The week of introductions flew by inside a blur
It lasted both a lifetime, and gone inside a whir
And then we brought you back with us, to your forever home
A mummy and a daddy you could finally call your own.
And each day that has passed since then, we’ve loved you more and more
And still can’t believe you’re here - just what we were waiting for.
You’re embedded in our lives, my son, it all revolves around you
And there’s nothing on this planet, that we would rather do.
Every single day my heart fills with more love than I’ve known
From simple words upon a page, you’ve turned into our own.
No, you didn’t grow inside me, son, but you were born inside my heart
And this feeling I hold within, I know is just the start
From concepts and conversations, homework and making lists
It’s only now you’re here, that we know this love exists
You complete us, little Mozza, you make us perfect and whole
And making you safe and happy is our only aim and goal.
We are a special family, brought together in clinical ways
But we know that we’ll be happy for the rest of all our days
Your smile, your laugh, your cheeky grin, the silly things you say,
The way you look at both of us, brightens up the day
The instant recognition and the happiness which emanates
From you as the centre of our world, makes our hearts palpitate
You are our every reason, son, you complete our family
There’s nothing else I’d rather have - than you, Daddy and me.
So never wonder, Mozza, if our family was a whim
Because I’ve spent my whole life wanting you, and it’s my heart you’re in
A
pregnancy on paper, a labour made in court
Words on a page, so much happiness they’ve brought.
You’re in our heads and hearts and minds every single minute
Our family is perfect, now that you are in it.
We love you
Words on a page, so much happiness they’ve brought.
You’re in our heads and hearts and minds every single minute
Our family is perfect, now that you are in it.
We love you
When Mozza came home
You know. I have written many things over the last few years, but I stopped blogging. Because I needed to experience. But I'm ready now - I'm ready to tell our story. Because the "Road to Adoption" ended when we'd walked so far down it, we actually reached "FamilyVille."
We got Mozza!
We got Mozza...he found us. After years of not believing, Mozza came to us, and it actually happened. We got what we never dared to dream that we could have. Mozza came home.
This series of blogs is not really chronological, but then adoption does weird things to you. I shall attempt to put into words a few of the circumstances surrounding our transition from two to three.
Day One
On the first day, we looked around us - we had a house full of cards, bags full of hand-me-downs from excited relatives, and a diary clear of any commitments for a month...but as The Lam and I stood together,looking down at the 4 and a half month old baby in the moses basket, we genuinely had no idea what was going on.
Nothing can prepare you for adopting a baby, which seems an odd thing to say after the three intensive years of preparation we have been through - but nothing can prepared you for it, because you are physically not prepared, in the way that biological families are.
Biological families have a tangible thing to look at and feel, in the shape of the pregnancy. That baby is there and it's theirs. And you take 9 months to slowly and gradually prepare, physically and mentally. And like it or not, at some point you slow down. You have to. You can't physically carry on, and your body sorts you out and makes you think about becoming a parent.
There was none of that for us. Even though we knew he was coming, and we had done everything required of us, until the day Mozza came home, life was exactly the same as it always had been. We were still working, taking the dog for a walk, going out at the drop of a hat. We were still a couple. The night before he came home, we had been to a restaurant, had a nice meal and a few glasses of wine, and "celebrated" our last night as a twosome. And then, BAM! Eighteen hours later, after a final assessment, listening to the foster carers talk to Social Services about how well we had handled "intros" (which deserve an entire blog to themselves) and watching the foster family say sad goodbyes to the little boy who was already our son, as we were absolutely itching to take him home, suddenly it happened - we were at home with baby Mozza. We had closed the door on the world and on all of those wonderful people from Social Services who had been our constant companions for three years. And all at once it was just us. Just the three of us. For the first time ever, and forever.
We are that very lucky couple. Everyone says that there are "no babies" in the system, but we are living proof that there are. Mozza's placement order was granted exactly 12 weeks after he was born. Fifteen minutes after court finished, Annie phoned me at work, and said (in the calmest voice I have ever heard); "You have been linked with a baby. He's a littlie. He's three months old."
From that second, our lives changed forever. We had his file that afternoon, three days later we had a visit from his social worker (Chris) and the Family Finder. This visit was like no other - he was suddenly a real baby, and we were suddenly talking about specifics. They HAD to like us. They had to see the same thing in us as people as they had seen in our PAR.
The visit lasted 5 hours. Annie had said to us beforehand "If they show you a photo of the baby, then it means they want to go ahead"
After 4 hours and 50 minutes, the photo came out. I think i held my breath for around the next ten hours. Not daring to exhale. Not daring to believe that this could actually be it.
The following day we had the fantastic, unbelievable, incredible phone call saying that they liked us, approved of us and wanted to proceed with the match. I remember I was at work, ina Year 8 lesson. I never normally have my mobile with me in a classroom, but it hadn't left my side all day. The phone rang and I simply walked out of the room and answered it. I think I cried. I can't remember the rest of the day!
Within a month we had met his (wonderful) foster carers, his medical adviser, and, along with Annie, Chris and Babette, completed our 40-page matching report. The most important document in the world, detailing exactly why we were his parents and he was our son. In 40,000 words.
Within 5 weeks of that first phone call, we were at matching panel (more on matching panel later)
Ten days later, Mozza was home.
Adopting a very young baby is incredible. It doesn't happen that quickly very often, but it is in the baby's best interests to be swift. Every day we count our blessings that we were chosen for him, and settling him into our lives and routines was a doddle. We got all the “firsts” that we never dared to imagine...words, steps, birthday. We didn't get first Christmas - but on that Christmas Day, for the first one ever, we knew about him. We knew that he was on his way to us, and we raised a glass to the little boy who was wearing his first Santa outfit somewhere in Yourjshire, knowing he would soon be home.
And then when he came home - we got those firsts - "I love you, Mummy/Daddy", the first holiday, the first....nearly everything. How did that happen to us!?
Alongside the incredible fortune, however, is the weirdness. Suddenly consumed by this little person, and thrust into a world completely alien, all at once. People talking to me about Bounty Packs and Health Visitors, and venturing to baby groups, where other Mums ONLY talk about pregnancy, birth and labour, and ask all sorts of intrusive questions. Getting him weighed at the Children's Centre, and feeling like a childminder, because you can't join in with stories about stretchmarks and stitches. The strangers who stop your pram in the street to ask you who he looks like - you or his Dad, and the neighbours who couldn’t remember whether or not you had been pregnant, but were too polite to mention. The people who ask how much he weighed at birth, and how long he was in hospital for. Of course, we were furnished with that information, but - well, it happened to someone else. And whilst not wanting to engage with strangers about our unusually constructed family, not being completely honest felt, for the longest time, utterly fraudulent.
We have the “telling” to come, and we know that there are likely to be issues borne from Mozza's erratic start. We know there will be questions - difficult questions - about his birth family, and we know that for Mozza, issues around his identity are going feature very strongly. But Mozza is the product of two families - the ones who genetically created this perfect little boy, and our family who are nurturing him through his life. That's rather special.
We are so very lucky that we will have known our son for nearly all of his life, and two and a half years on, we can’t remember a time when he wasn’t here.
We got Mozza!
We got Mozza...he found us. After years of not believing, Mozza came to us, and it actually happened. We got what we never dared to dream that we could have. Mozza came home.
This series of blogs is not really chronological, but then adoption does weird things to you. I shall attempt to put into words a few of the circumstances surrounding our transition from two to three.
Day One
On the first day, we looked around us - we had a house full of cards, bags full of hand-me-downs from excited relatives, and a diary clear of any commitments for a month...but as The Lam and I stood together,looking down at the 4 and a half month old baby in the moses basket, we genuinely had no idea what was going on.
Nothing can prepare you for adopting a baby, which seems an odd thing to say after the three intensive years of preparation we have been through - but nothing can prepared you for it, because you are physically not prepared, in the way that biological families are.
Biological families have a tangible thing to look at and feel, in the shape of the pregnancy. That baby is there and it's theirs. And you take 9 months to slowly and gradually prepare, physically and mentally. And like it or not, at some point you slow down. You have to. You can't physically carry on, and your body sorts you out and makes you think about becoming a parent.
There was none of that for us. Even though we knew he was coming, and we had done everything required of us, until the day Mozza came home, life was exactly the same as it always had been. We were still working, taking the dog for a walk, going out at the drop of a hat. We were still a couple. The night before he came home, we had been to a restaurant, had a nice meal and a few glasses of wine, and "celebrated" our last night as a twosome. And then, BAM! Eighteen hours later, after a final assessment, listening to the foster carers talk to Social Services about how well we had handled "intros" (which deserve an entire blog to themselves) and watching the foster family say sad goodbyes to the little boy who was already our son, as we were absolutely itching to take him home, suddenly it happened - we were at home with baby Mozza. We had closed the door on the world and on all of those wonderful people from Social Services who had been our constant companions for three years. And all at once it was just us. Just the three of us. For the first time ever, and forever.
We are that very lucky couple. Everyone says that there are "no babies" in the system, but we are living proof that there are. Mozza's placement order was granted exactly 12 weeks after he was born. Fifteen minutes after court finished, Annie phoned me at work, and said (in the calmest voice I have ever heard); "You have been linked with a baby. He's a littlie. He's three months old."
From that second, our lives changed forever. We had his file that afternoon, three days later we had a visit from his social worker (Chris) and the Family Finder. This visit was like no other - he was suddenly a real baby, and we were suddenly talking about specifics. They HAD to like us. They had to see the same thing in us as people as they had seen in our PAR.
The visit lasted 5 hours. Annie had said to us beforehand "If they show you a photo of the baby, then it means they want to go ahead"
After 4 hours and 50 minutes, the photo came out. I think i held my breath for around the next ten hours. Not daring to exhale. Not daring to believe that this could actually be it.
The following day we had the fantastic, unbelievable, incredible phone call saying that they liked us, approved of us and wanted to proceed with the match. I remember I was at work, ina Year 8 lesson. I never normally have my mobile with me in a classroom, but it hadn't left my side all day. The phone rang and I simply walked out of the room and answered it. I think I cried. I can't remember the rest of the day!
Within a month we had met his (wonderful) foster carers, his medical adviser, and, along with Annie, Chris and Babette, completed our 40-page matching report. The most important document in the world, detailing exactly why we were his parents and he was our son. In 40,000 words.
Within 5 weeks of that first phone call, we were at matching panel (more on matching panel later)
Ten days later, Mozza was home.
Adopting a very young baby is incredible. It doesn't happen that quickly very often, but it is in the baby's best interests to be swift. Every day we count our blessings that we were chosen for him, and settling him into our lives and routines was a doddle. We got all the “firsts” that we never dared to imagine...words, steps, birthday. We didn't get first Christmas - but on that Christmas Day, for the first one ever, we knew about him. We knew that he was on his way to us, and we raised a glass to the little boy who was wearing his first Santa outfit somewhere in Yourjshire, knowing he would soon be home.
And then when he came home - we got those firsts - "I love you, Mummy/Daddy", the first holiday, the first....nearly everything. How did that happen to us!?
Alongside the incredible fortune, however, is the weirdness. Suddenly consumed by this little person, and thrust into a world completely alien, all at once. People talking to me about Bounty Packs and Health Visitors, and venturing to baby groups, where other Mums ONLY talk about pregnancy, birth and labour, and ask all sorts of intrusive questions. Getting him weighed at the Children's Centre, and feeling like a childminder, because you can't join in with stories about stretchmarks and stitches. The strangers who stop your pram in the street to ask you who he looks like - you or his Dad, and the neighbours who couldn’t remember whether or not you had been pregnant, but were too polite to mention. The people who ask how much he weighed at birth, and how long he was in hospital for. Of course, we were furnished with that information, but - well, it happened to someone else. And whilst not wanting to engage with strangers about our unusually constructed family, not being completely honest felt, for the longest time, utterly fraudulent.
We have the “telling” to come, and we know that there are likely to be issues borne from Mozza's erratic start. We know there will be questions - difficult questions - about his birth family, and we know that for Mozza, issues around his identity are going feature very strongly. But Mozza is the product of two families - the ones who genetically created this perfect little boy, and our family who are nurturing him through his life. That's rather special.
We are so very lucky that we will have known our son for nearly all of his life, and two and a half years on, we can’t remember a time when he wasn’t here.
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