Matching Panel

So, I've mentioned "Matching Panel" in passing. What I can't really even begin to describe in a way that does it any justice whatsoever, is how truly daunting "Matching Panel" is.
When you start on the journey to MP, you are probably more emotional and manic than at any other point of your life, ever. Because you are linked with a child.
After all of those years and all of that preparation, we were finally linked. We then had to complete a Matching Report, with Annie and Chris. This is a report which goes into unbelievable detail as to why you, and only you, are worthy of this specific child. We had received Mozza's placement report, detailing his birth family and (fairly short) history to date. It was sobering reading, as Mozza has siblings, and the treatment of his siblings was the reason that he was taken to be adopted at birth. You can only imagine how harrowing that was to read. But mixed in with that was a huge amount of emotion and feelings that we never knew we had. Firstly, reading about his birth parents - trying to reconcile their actions and their own life stories with the fact that they were also the genetic engineers behind the little miracle who would be our son. Despite their actions...despite what the other children had been through, these people would always be Mozza's birth parents, and we had to approach their stories with the most open of minds.
We had to read his report and study it with a fine toothcomb, because we then had to take his report and our report and make a brand new report. One that told why no one else in the world should have this baby, and why we should.

Can you imagine?

Why this baby? Why you? What can you give to him that no one else can? How will you deal with x, y and z? How will you tell him his life story? How will you talk to him about why he can't live with his birth parents? How will you raise him? How will you provide for him? How will you give him the best life possible in a way that no one else could? What makes you so special?

What makes you so special that we should give you this child?

In 40,000 words.
Then - the what-ifs?
"Bectora and The Lam - Mozza is very young. There are no guarantees about his future, and there are question marks over birth family history...so, what if...?"

What if he has developmental delay? What if he is on the spectrum? What if he has genetic learning disabilities? What if he has Hepatitis B? What if he has attachment disorder? What if he has speech delay? What if he has low motor skills? What if, what if, what if...


And the fact is....so what? He was already our son, so none of that was a reason to not proceed. But to have to convince a panel of that is another matter entirely.


So, we had our panel date. But we hadn't told anybody, except very close family. Because ALL THE TIME - all the time we were doing this preparation, and counting down the minutes, we had it drilled into us every five seconds - "PANEL MIGHT SAY NO"

Preparing for this, the most important step in the process, and therefore the most important day of our lives, we were flying solo. Despite having spent years telling us that we needed our support network to get us through the hard times, Annie was now telling us that we couldn't even talk about it with anyone. Couldn't even tell anyone he existed. I knew that if we were successful at Panel, I would be finishing work for a year two days later. But I couldn't tell anyone. Projects and assignments were coming up, different people trying to book meetings with me, colleagues trying to recruit me to run Summer School, students trying to get me to tech their performances... I just had to keep putting people off, all the time trying not to think that if we were unsuccessful, I'd have to do it all anyway.

Also having to lie. Our friends calling us...texting us...."Have you heard anything yet?" And we would respond with a "No, nothing," and then be launched into a conversation about how rubbish Social Services were, and how they needed to pull their finger out because didn't they know we'd be amazing parents?

And all the time, just wanting to stand on the roof and shout..."He's real. And he might just be ours"

Panel day dawned, and we dressed in our finery again, knowing that there could be photos for posterity. Wanting to remember every second of the day, whilst all the time desperately hoping we wouldn't want to forget. We spoke to our parents, and then we left the house. And, apart from our nearest and dearest, nobody knew. Everyone was just going about their business, like it was a normal day. Nobody was on the phone wishing us luck. Nobody was getting excited about the potential baby in our lives, because nobody knew. We were excited, apprehensive, nervous, thrilled and alone.


So we drove to that building another time. And we signed in, and we sat in the waiting room, and we waited.
We were the number one slot of the day. We entered the room - there were fifteen people on one side of the board room table, and there was us, Annie, Chris, Babette and Danni (the family finder) on our side.
The Chair of the Panel introduced herself and everybody else around the table. All of these people who had read our Matching Report at length, and knew everything about us - our histories, our dreams, our hopes, our aspirations - our desires. I have no idea who they were - they included a doctor, some other social workers, someone from the court, someone from children's services, the agency "decision maker", a couple of lawyers - I don't know. Just a load of people who, as it turned out, were the most important people in the world.


Panel started. I'd like to tell you what was said, and what was asked, but I can't. Some things for confidentiality, and some because I can't really remember - we talked about lifestyle, and plans, and finances, and the dog. We talked about behavioural management, contingency plans, social worker meetings, the contact plan with the birth family. We talked about why we wanted him, and why we were right for him. We talked about how we planned to deal with temper, and nappies and feeding and nurturing - what our long-term back to work plans were, how extended family would play a part. We talked about our support network, local amenities. We talked about our wonderful friends who had met with Annie and provided us with references. We talked about how our life experiences would be used to create a new world for Mozza.

Annie and Chris and Babette were also grilled. They talked at length about why they approved of this match so much they were prepared to stake their professional reputations on it.

We talked about how much we already loved him.

We talked for nearly an hour and a half, and then they sent us out of the room whilst they made the decision.

So we sat. And we waited.
And we waited

For nearly ten minutes.

And for the first time, we thought something had gone horribly wrong. What could they be talking about?

The chair of the panel came in. She wasn't smiling. She simply said, "We are ready for you to return"

We stood up. I'm pretty sure the world was shaking. We went back into the room to be met by...

smiles.

Everyone was smiling, and Chris was wiping away some tears.
We sat down, and the Chair looked at us and said

"We are delighted to approve this very special match, and think that you will be a wonderful family"

Approve?

Annie automatically handed me a tissue, and then -  me and The Lam broke. I think I might have said "thank you," I don't know...I think I might have hugged a couple of them.
I think that, at that moment and for the first time ever, I knew why I was born. For that.


Approve. "We are delighted to approve."

PANEL SAID "YES"

And we knew what that meant...this was it. After ten years, this was it...we would get everything that we'd ever wanted. Me and The Lam, - we were getting Mozza. Mozza was real, and he was going to come home and live with us forever. We could stand on the roof and tell the whole wide world. PANEL SAID YES.

We left the room, somehow, and went into the office. Chris presented us with a beautiful photo of Mozza to take away with us, and we got our diairies out and planned the following week of meetings and intros. Annie told us to go crazy at the weekend and buy everything we'd need, and to enjoy preparing for Mozza coming home.

We left the building and got into the car. We got our phones ready to phone everybody and let them know they could buy blue balloons and babygros, but first...first we looked and one another and burst into tears...
...because finally...finally....we had a son.